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As found on the uncyclopedia website. These made me laugh my ass off. Please, enjoy the read.
Call of Duty 4
You begin your adventure as an S.A.S recruit. After having a talk with your stereotypical stuck-up Captain, you now have to prove yourself worthy of the abilities of an S.A.S operative by running through a course killing cardboard cutouts of John McCain and Joseph Stalin.
However, don't underestimate the rigor of such a demanding course; the cardboard cutouts are extremely elusive, crafty, and tactical. While you may think you've eliminated the potential threat, you will not be notified until you reach the end of the course if an undercover cardboard agent outsmarted your wits. Run it again and make sure you've neutralized all the cardboard enemies, because the most important thing to remember is, much like terrorists, the cardboard will not return fire; it will simply slip behind a wall in an attempt to not be found.
After you've had your fill of knifing cardboard, it's time to really sink your teeth into the campaign. Prepare yourself; it's time to head out on a real mission, with potential death at every turn.
This mission couldn't be simpler: Infiltrate a cargo ship and steal something that doesn't matter - SILENTLY. This mission will require you to get in and out quietly; everything should go according to plan provided the terrorists do not look up to see and hear a huge bulky helicopter flying overhead and dropping off S.A.S operatives at the south end of the ship. After your silent entrance, you immediately go to work. You prove your worth to your fellow squadmates by watching them take down enemies and not doing anything. Possibly the largest threat that faces the team is that of the ferocious corners on the cargo ship, thus the team's progress is slowed slightly since every corner is checked with near lethal efficiency,and if you don't check your corners captain Price sreams fuck and two migs come and blow up the ship.
Afterwards you do a little shooting, and luckily since your enemies haven't mastered the art of regenerative healing, you'll eventually find the clipboard you came for, sitting on top of an uninteresting nuclear weapon. However, as you and the team leave, captain Price stubbs his toe and screams fuck and two migs come like what happens if you don't check your corners but this time you escape, remember that you haven't attained Kenyan speed quite yet and will run as though your legs are made of marshmallow.
Arriving at the evacuation chopper, you'll jump and barely grab hold of it like a cliche' James Bond action scene. unfunately your squadmates just sit and laugh at you untill you get up your self and punch them all in the balls.
Call of Duty 4 Multiplayer
In Multiplayer, the more "skilled" you are, the more unfair the advantage you get.
If you get killing sprees, you are given special skills to make the match even more unbalanced. Some of the skills might include an all powerful UAV or an air strike. But what every player fears the most in this multiplayer is the unforgiving death from above.
There are three things in life you cannot escape; Death, Taxes, and Helicopters. There's no running away from the helicopter; it dominates the playing field, as one would expect from an attack helicopter with a mounted gun.
Here is a list of actions that will in turn cause immediate death for a player against an enemy chopper:
- If you see the chopper - DEAD.
- If the chopper sees you - DEAD.
- If you shoot at the chopper - DEAD.
- If you hear the chopper - DEAD.
- If you run for cover - DEAD.
- If you are targeting a chopper - DEAD.
- If you are in the open - DEAD.
- If you make a witty comment about how the chopper hasn't killed you yet - DEAD.
Several people have posed the questions: "Why does the helicopter fly away so quickly?" and "Why does it fly away at all?" It is assumed is that it must have run out of fuel, as helicopters in Call of Duty in general seem only to be able to stay in the air for about twenty minutes before having to touch down and fill up again.
World At War
Call of Duty for women (Sponsored by France). Can also unlock tactial iron and silenced dishwasher.Call of Duty world at war was released with the simple slogan "War Like You've Never Experienced Before". Activision defended the slogan after huge numbers of people complained saying, "It is a unique game experience, providing you have never played another Call of Duty game, or first person shooter, or watched a war film, or read a book on war, or seen pictures of what war is like, for such people World at War provides a new and exciting experience, for everyone else... Zombies? "
The 19th expansion of the Call of Duty series. It takes place in the Pacific and in Europe as the Americans and Russians respectively and has been described as a pleasingly stereotypical experience for all. As the Americans you unsurprisingly spend your time being exceptionally heroic and calling in artillery bombardments on dangerous looking fields and beaches. As the Russians you spend your time butchering German soldiers, fighting without morals and going up against insurmountable odds.
Multiplayer is very much the same as it was in Call of Duty 4, in line with Activision's usual policy of taking something that does not require fixing and "fixing" it in a way that makes the game slightly more unbalanced and unforgiving. The process by which this occured in Call of Duty: World at War was that somebody pointed out that helicopters would be inappropriate, somebody else then suggested that granting the ability to call in Dogs for your team would make up for this. Ineveitably the Dogs proved even more lethal than the helicopter's had been; the Dogs can run faster than you, there are several of them, they know where you are and they can kill you faster than bullets. This has caused some to ask why both sides are bothering to fight with guns in the first place and are not just continually sending Dogs at one another if they are so effective, but this is the type of question that Treyarch and Activision are 'far too busy' to answer.
Treyarch had planned to release a Katana into Call of Duty: World at War. The weapon failed to make it in the final cut because it was deemed to be overpowering and offensive. The reason for its termination was because equiping the weapon while playing as the Imperial army prompted the character to yell "BANZAI" and, immediately afterwards, get mowed down by a machine gun. Although it was honorable and courageous act, warfare had advanced considerably and new, acceptable tactics include holding position with an M16 and calling in Tanks, Air strikes, and Blasphemy to defeat your enemies.
Call of Duty Modern Warfare 2
Modern Warfare 2 is the latest installment to the Call of Duty series. Modern Warfare 2 was produced mostly to calm the irrational fury that seized almost the entire fanbase firstly through the death of all the vaguely likeable characters in the original Modern Warfare and then through Treyarch being allowed to play with the Call of Duty trainset again and dragging the series, kicking and screaming back to the second World War.
The singleplayer follows a similar template to the other Call of Duty games, essentially: you are a bullet absorbing superman and these people are not, kill them. However Modern Warfare 2 attracted significant attention from the media, politicians and everyone else who enjoys getting involved in advocating the idea that anyone who plays violent games is a serial-killer waiting to happen, by including a controversial scene in a Russian airport. The scene involves you (an undercover agent for the CIA) and several Russian militants (Militants from Russia), trudging through an airport killing unarmed civillians and slightly armed security guards. The root of the controversy being that the majority of these pixels were not holding guns and that this made anyone choosing to shoot them as good as a terrorist murderer. In order to stem the criticism and controversy InfinityWard pointed out that you didn't have to shoot anyone, but critics responded that "this just makes the level boring".
Less controversial moments from the singleplayer campaign include entering a Brazillian favela and murdering half the people living there, when they attempt to defend themselves, before leaving again, invading Russia, falling off things and being rescued at the last moment, launching a nuclear missile at the USA, being shot dead by people you thought were your allies, falling off things and not being rescued resulting in a cliché, becoming a war criminal and being beaten up by everyone as part of the plot.
In Modern Warfare 2's Multiplayer, InfinityWard can truly be said to have given up at attempting to make the game balanced, finally introducing a nuclear weapon so that accomplished players can end the game very swiftly. The hallmarks from the original Modern Warfare return, camping, stabbing, screaming and grenade spamming can all be found on the Call of Duty servers and guarantee an unparalled game experience for all.
-I found it hilarious. oh, and about the copyright policy....