(The Pro convinced me to do this)
K, seeing as everyone is making this type of pages, I'm not doing a count of the things I hate in Black Ops(Oh, and before I start, if you dare to call me a "IW fAnB0y!!!!1!1one!", get lost, I'm not a fanboy).
Start the damn thing already!
Ehh, where do I start...oh yeah.
As a non-official sequel to one of the best games I've ever played, Treyarch is good in making storylines.
I said storylines, not goddamn Sci-Fi adventures that involves a guy having sexual fantasies with the "NUMBERS!!1!1!", and a CSI:Miami Horatio rip-off.
The whole campaign pre-launch story looked really good, Treyarch said that the game was in Vietnam, both levels they showed were in Vietnam.
Then the game came out.(FYI, I'm going to do a review for every level in the game, so if your eyes get tired of reading, jump to the next point)
Starting a dialogue with "Kiss my ass!!" it's not a good way to start a character-player bonding. No, I'm serious.
Woods and Bowman are introduced, Bowman doesn't says anything more relevant that "Communist piece of shit" throughout the whole game, and Woods is a guy who thinks he can win the Guiness World Record for saying the word "Fuck" more times on his life.
The mission starts with Treyarchs obvious abilities to use Google translator when the guard talks in spanish (¿De donde tu eres? literally would be like "From where are you from" really)
The police start shooting to our "heroes"(Nope. Couldn't keep a straight face) and eventually fight all the way trough more than 50 police officers, without a scratch, and the game triggers another cutscene.
The crazy guy's mind teleports us to Castro's compound, where Mason kills a guy in a radio with a piano wire, and advance to Castro.
They eventually find him, and after one "Breach and Clear with no breaching charge" moment, they kill "Castro" with a slow-mo headshot (For the record, Slow-Mo is overused as hell in this game. It's not fun). Oh, and they also kill Castro's Bitch.
After some fighting they get to an airport and Mason gets a M60 with infinite ammo with the power to destroy a ZPU (WTF Treyarch), eventually, Mason decides to be a real hero, and sacrifices his liberty to let his friends get out.
After Mason gets kicked in the face, we discover that we actually killed a double, and the real Castro gifts you to...eh, some Russian that is named Dragovich. The level end with Dragovich's face closing up on Mason's face at a distance of 2 cm, and we fade to black.
Here we are intrudoduced to one of the main characters in the previous Treyarch game, Reznov,(who is now named Viktor, god knows why).
They want to escape Vorkuta because of Stalin being bad and all that shit. The level starts out with Mason and Reznov faking a fight. A guards comes to cool the heat off the situation, Reznov insults him, and the guard starts to kick his ass.
Mason, taking advantage of the situation, grabs a rock (or a piece of coal, IDK), and breaks the guards face with it. Reznov then starts shouting the steps to break free of Vorkuta, and they start running through the tunnels, Mason being armed with a "Prison Knife" (which is a piece of glass with a ripped off piece of a Prison Jacket). Evenetually we meet Sergei (who looks a lot like Heavy weapons guy from TF2) and they get to an elevator, shouting the second step.
We get to the top floor of the mines, and Sergei kills a guard with a giant pickaxe, in a way that MK fans would rejoice. Eventually we get to a door, and Reznov insists on killing their men by sending them straight to a MG tower (which is just a M249 placeholder). Reznov points out a mine cart, and we take cover there, advancing while Mason shoots the guards with a Makarov he got from the dead guard.
We get to the armory tower, which has a locker full of KS-23s, Reznov starts giving one of his long ass speeches while we get introduced to one of Mason's hand made weapons, the Slingshot. We take out 3 buildings, and we get down to the armory locker to grab a Shottie. REznov commands us to shoot the lock on the fence( Because he's a lazy bastard) and we start moving.
A chopper makes an appearance, and Reznov tells us to go to a builidng that has a Harpoon (?). When we get to the builidng, 2 guys die because of slow reflex. We get the harpoon just in time to shoot the chopper down in an AMAZING (sarcasm intended) scripted sequence.
Anyways, we go shooting everyone that crosses our view, Sergei dies, we go to get the blowtorch, and we get the DEATH MACHINE!!! (AKA Supah Awesomesauce Minniegun)
Anyway, we finally get to the garage, were the guards in a final attempt to stop us, launch tear gas. Reznov, as the super invincible soldier that he is, rescues Mason, and in an AMAZING (read the first AMAZING for reference) that obviously copies Terminator 2, our "hero" (HAHAHAHA) jumps into a train and Reznov sacrifcies himself for revenge.
AKA The useless mission, it inroduces us to
Horatio Hudson, the CIA guy, the most likeable character in the game. Now we're in the Pentagon, about to meet JFK. We meet McNamara, who only appears in this useless mission for some reason. Mason starts going delirial again.... They travel through the pentagon and shiz. Not much more to say. Oh, and Mason imagines himself shooting at Kennedy, which is like the most normal thing in this game. Also, I don't know if you can notice, but McNamara goes around shouting Passwords like if it was just another day at the office. Considering Mr. Nuts here, and that he was just allied with a communist, that's not very inteligent.
Now the game takes us to Baikonur, a rocket launching facility used by the Russians to, well, launch rockets. We start out really close to the facility, because you know, nobody does guard around those places, and we start our insertion. Mason and Sgt. "I can shout the word Fuck more times that Tourettes guy" Woods find out that the inside man, AKA "I can shout the word fuck less than Woods but more than Tourettes guy" Weaver, has been captured, and Kravche-shen-uhh, the bald guy, rips his eye out (why he didn't kill him, well, it's Black Ops, what do you expect). Now, Mason decides to save Weaver, then destroy
the party the satellite the soviets are about to launch (wait, wasn't their mission just kill Dragovich?). Mason and Woods kill some guys admiring...ehh, nothing, and then disguise themselves as russians soldiers. Some guys with gas-masks pass by, and because every enemy soldier in this game is freaking stupid, they don't notice the bodies, nor the fact that no one in the damn facility is wearing balaclavas. We continue our happy journie, now inside the comms building, shooting russians in the face, throwing them off the building, and making shit explode. We reach the roof of the building and start blowing shit up with a Crossbow w/ explosive bolts that Woods brought from the Hammer-space. After that, we throw a zipline where Weaver is being held and in another non-satifying slow-mo momment, we save him because the russian didn't notice the window had been broken (see? Stupid). Now in another cutscene while we wait for the level to load Mason says some utterly irrelevant phrase and we continue shooting people in the face until we get to the launch control room. Weaver can't stop the rocket because He's bloody useless he doesn't has the codes or something, and we have to take out the rocket with a Valkirye (whatevs) launcher. The rocket goes boom, and now that debris start falling, we have to get inside the bunker. We continue shooting people in the face, until we reach a part where Weaver pukes Ewww... for no apparent reason. (Really Treyarch? Gore and all, I'm fine with it, but seeing someone vomit for no good reason is fucking gross). Patient #19762 starts remembering again in a sequence that can give you seizures, and apparently, Dragovich has been killed. We take a look at the burning limousine, and we fade to black.