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MOLEMAN'S EPIC RAP BATTLES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

CAPTAIN PRICE

…VS…

COMMANDER SHEPARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BEGIN!

Verse 1

Captain John Price: •

Know I ain't a liar when I say I'm bound for victory;

Your blood will be the ink that records this truth in history.

I'd break you with the will of but a solitary man,

But nobody fights alone, so blood brother, lend a hand!

• Captain John "Soap" MacTavish: •

It's ravishing MacTavish, here to ravage savagely with rhyming!

Ain't No Rushin' is required; yo, I spit in perfect timing.

Skilled sharpshooting Scot in prime prestige surpassing measuring;

A human Omni-tool, just like Ramirez doing everything!

Price: Zakhaev knows: I've got a real disarming personality.

Soap: Scrubbing out the worst scum of the Earth's my speciality!

P: Cross the One-Four-One, you think you're tough enough?

S: I'll shank you harder than the last Shepherd that fucked with us!

P: Well, when we ended that traitor, Makarov was left hanging…

S: Good thing he came back, and Makarov was left hanging!

P: Now it's D-Day for the Normandy!

S: You're getting overthrown.

P: We're breaking through your every barrier like Joker's brittle bones.

S: The unsaddlers of Horsemen!

P: No Oasis from my vengeance.

S: Instigating Shock and Awe; dropping bombs with every sentence!

P: We're the righteous warring wolverines!

S: You're closer to a cattle.

P/S: Space cows will be harmed in the making of this battle!

Verse 2

• Commander Shepard: •

I've had enough of your distorted proclamations;

You're so blindly self-assured, I'd call it self-Indoctrination.

As I draw the line between us, know I'm well-prepared to hold,

Because if your Warfare is Modern, mine's Advanced a hundredfold!

Eclipsing you like any common pack of mercenary punks;

I even trump your Finest Hours while I'm out and getting drunk.

A Paragon before most, but I'll be tearing you to pieces!

Beat the Reapers; best believe I'll break your cycle of releases.

Even Conrad Verner thinks your rabid fans are immature;

Your games are sterile as the Genophage, so let me be the cure!

I'll maybe throw you in a Gulag, let you wither into Husks,

And then incinerate your precious journal; Dust to Dust.

Operation Kingfish? More like big, stupid CoD!

Your crew's about legit as Blasto or a Volus bio-god.

Watch this Spectre make a different kind of specter out of Ghost;

May have saved the Rachni Queen, but I'll be stomping out your Roach!

This battle's like Virmire: someone won't be getting out alive,

And next to this N7 Veteran, you know you won't survive.

I'll take my Cain to town and blast you back to World War Freaking Two;

Even Fox News could diss me more convincingly than you!

It's quantifiable; just do the math, like Project Overlord:

My skills will land your whole design team in the Infirmary Ward.

I'm Commander Shepard, and you both can go to Hell,

Because your rapping is my least-favorite, on or off the Citadel!

Verse 3

• Captain Price: •

Bravo Six to Nikolai: don't pick us up just yet;

We're not extracting 'til it's settled who's a n00b and who's a Vet.

Soap: We're aiming down our iron sights, and fragging you is what they're set on.

Price: Stopped World War Three, but now it's verbal armageddon!

S: We're the Harbingers of profit for the Activision brand.

P: Take a look at our sales numbers; even Mason understands!

The finest in our line of Duty.

S: Rising up above the Call!

S/P: Bring your squalid squad along, we'll make a killstreak of them all!


• Commander Shepard: •

Ah, yes, "game sales": think they're Sovereign in authority?

The Council isn't even that askew with their priorities!

I think I'll take your tip and get my team in on this song,

Loyal friends, come on down and help me prove the Price is wrong!

Verse 4

Garrus Vakarian: •

Yo, I'm done with calibrations; now it's time for target practice.

An Archangel of oration, with my snipe regarded matchless!

Liara T'Soni: •

Know you ain't hallucinating as I throw you 'cross the stage!

The Shadow Broker isn't scared of you; I've got your dossiers.

Urdnot Wrex: •

Your whole clan is getting Wrekt; I really bring the pressure, brah!

My flow's acidic, and I spit it hard as any Thresher Maw!

Tali'Zorah: •

You sold a hundred million units, but not one has got a soul,

So go and shove your words up your emergency induction holes!

Garrus: I spared Sidonis, but I'm never gonna let you losers walk!

Tali: Unlike my face, you know our rhymes are anything but borrowed stock.

Liara: I've done research on better men than you from back in Javik's day.

Wrex: We'll maul you like a Varren pack!

Garrus: Forget what C-Sec has to say.

Wrex: A squad of rapping Battlemasters; you're as asinine as Wreav.

Liara: Even Glyph could school you bastards!

Tali: Take a pilgrimage and leave.

Garrus/Liara: Like an overcooked grenade

Tali/Wrex: …Or fighters going kamikaze…

All: …It's a Suicide Mission if you step to Shepard's posse!


Captain Price: Soap and I are falling back…

Soap: …But don't mistake it for surrender…

Price: …'Cause your strength-in-numbers schtick's about to get returned to sender!

S: Things are getting dark and scary

P:Yet more wacky on the whole

S: …So without further hesitation…

P/S:FETCH US THEIR SOULS!

Verse 5

Tank Dempsey: •

You better get those windows boarded when the Tank comes rolling in;

This Scary Monster with a Bowie Knife's a true American!

Nikolai Belinski: •

Now enter Stalin's bane, merciful less often than he's sober.

You remind me of my wife: I'll Insta-Kill you five times over!

Takeo Masaki: •

By my ancestors' honor, you shall not escape alive;

For those who face this Death Machine, no medi-gel can Quick Revive.

Dr. Edward Richtofen: •

The Doc is in, with schemes aplenty and an ace in every hole;

When they all come to fruition, I'll assume direct control!

Dempsey: The power switch is set to "ON"…

Takeo: …And every avenue is open.

Nikolai: Watch us overrun your vessel!

Richtofen: Call it Normandie der Toten.

Nikolai: Full of carbonated perks.

Takeo: Our Wonder Weapons Pack-a-Punch!

Richtofen: Time to cause some Grief!

Dempsey: We'll let the undead eat your brains for lunch.

All: From Shangri-La up to the Moon, we'll take the carnage anywhere!

Nikolai: I've been more scared by little girls!

Dempsey: You're all a bunch of teddy bears.

Takeo: No Unity can save you now!

Richtofen: We'll crack your skulls like Easter eggs.

All: This zombie-slaying team's as lethal as your whole Collector Base!


Tali: Come and get us then, you psychos!

Garrus: You won't last a single round.

Liara: Go teleport yourselves away.

Wrex: We'll leave you crawling on the ground!

• Commander Shepard: •

You know I'm Massively Effective when I synthesize a flow!

Now, there's a galaxy out there to save; my crew and I should go.


WHO WON?

WHO'S NEXT?

I DECIDE!!!!!!!!!

MOLEMAN'S EPIC RAP BATTLES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Poll

WHO WON?
 
12
 
3
 

The poll was created at 18:47 on November 15, 2014, and so far 15 people voted.

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